John Kassir

Crypt Keeper (voice)

Mary Ellen Trainor

Wife

Larry Drake

Santa

Marshall Bell

Joseph

Lindsey Whitney Barry

Carrie Ann

Kirk Douglas

General Kalthrob

Eric Douglas

Lt. Martin Kalthrob

Lance Henriksen

Sergeant Ripper

Dan Aykroyd

Captain Milligan

Dominick Morra

Priest

Steve Boyum

King

Chuck Picerni Jr.

Jones

Anthony Gallo

Corporal

R. David Smith

Soldier

Humphrey Bogart

Lou Spinelli (archive footage)

John Lithgow

Dr. Oscar Charles

Isabella Rossellini

Betty Spinelli

Sherilyn Fenn

Erika

Robert Sacchi

Lou Spinelli (voice)

Julie Ariola

Doris

José Rey

Paramedic #1

Carl Gilliard

Paramedic #1